So here we are once again, pantsless and nostalgic. My lack of gaming last week was a little of a letdown, but on the upside, this post i have two games to express my obviously unbiased (seriously..promise..) thoughts on. So without further adue, prepare to fap furiously, lube optional.
Ghettodex: Now with revolutionary Jizzbuster 3000!
First up for mention on the block is something glorious which occured last night. As I have mentioned previously on here, back in the day, when I was a nubile, impressionable youngster my friends and I used to be on the LAN scene around here, homoerotica and jovial experiences en mass. Now as came with the territory back then, so did lurking on the forums of our favourite event, GhettoLAN. A friend of mine recently found a backup of the forums from 2006 and put them back online. So I did what any man would do, spent the entire night reading the old shit we used to post. Even I was shocked at how much shit we used to post, threads such as the "Hurt and Heal" game, the "Who will post next?" game, and how introduce yourself threads degraded easily into a "who will sodomise you at the next event" contest. Needless to say my nostalgia goggles are firmly on still to this moment. but enough of my useless crap.
Command and Conquer 4 Impressions
To recap before I begin, I went into Command and Conquer 3 with high expectations, and while the gameplay was good and the story lived up to the high quality I had begun to expect. However, like the fucking new fucking Indiana jones movie, one thing took it from epic to sack sucking assclown of dissapointment: Aliens. Fucking Aliens. So its only common sense that I walked into C&C 4 expecting only the conclusion of the series to excite me. Now apart from the fact that for a series they spent over a decade building to be concluded in four hours (thats both campaigns, mind you), the briefness was severely overshadowed by how utterly shithouse the story is. I won't give away spoilers, but suffice to say it can be summed up as: lol I'm kane, lol choose faction, lol filler missions (and not fucking many), lol final battle. now even if you can excuse that fact. The scrin seem to have mysteriously fucking dissapeared. No say or anything, just fucked off from earth, leaving their tower smack middle in the middle of nowhere, so you know it's not a retcon. but god damn.. EA you have sodomised my tight virgin manflower for the last time. Dissapointment aside, I rather do like the gameplay and the addition of a rank up system tied to your online profile (which is nothing new, but the unlockables are definately a nice change). While I know this game shall find its mark in it's multiplayer, I am saddened for the future of gaming to see such an epic saga climax in such a poor manner. EA shall suffer aside Judas for this one.
Dragon Age: Awakening
Okay, after sinking some serious time over the past few days in completing Origins again, to refresh myself I finally played through awakening and, aside from the fact that after importing my character who so nobly sacrificed himself to kill the archdemon, was greeted like Jesus on easter, my ressurection being such a simple parlour trick that it completely escaped notice, surely they can't be running with the forced idea that Alistair was the one to die for Ferelden could they? Oh wait! HE'S ALIVE TOO! obviously rocking the crown as king makes you impervious to noticing paradoxes. So I was opening up into a gigantic FUCK YOU from bioware, I could deal with it if people acted if I was some mysterious lookalike to the noble warrior, Ser Also Cocks if I wasn't being constantly praised and referred to as "the hero of Ferelden" so time paradox aside. What did I find within this juicy slice from biowares expansion to what was originally one of my favourite RPG's in a long while? A slice of Meh coated in sweaty ball punching and reeking of utter crap. Obviously what made the original so fun has been tied up in the boot with a second hand ball gag in this one, my largest complaint is the companions, It is good that you experience an area quest explaining their motivations and what have you and also why they have to become/join grey wardens and all. But after gaining followers in your party their willingness to talk takes a backseat until you get them to like you enough via gift whoring to get them to say "Oh by the way, At little to no mention of this previously lets go run my errands. You know, for funsies." the conversations taken in the meantime are through interacting with object behind them in the keep (which is one small pretty stupid conversation it can barely be called character interaction as opposed to decoration critique) but dare you to right click on them without them liking you enough and they repeat the same single fucking phrase dismissing you, much like my mother and her love (but what the hell, she can do that with a rack like hers) Now the storyline I did like, but how it was implemented was rather dissapointing, its like omg darkspawn that talk? visit area get companion, visit keep get upgrades/manage land, rinse repeat several times with VAGUE mention of the main conflict or exposition, and suddenly thrust you forward into the final decisions of the expansion. while not bad, I feel they could have done so much more with the storyline, granted it was just an expansion, but for something (I shall endeavour to avoid spoilers here) that shook the foundations of the lore of Ferelden and the Grey Wardens so hard, I feel it was rather rushed and quite tiptoed around, like they didn't want to flesh out the vague idea they brainstormed. I wouldn't suggest it being worth the price tag. Maybe if they deducted the cost of my left testicle I might reconsider. Severe sad face and bioware letting us down on what is the one thing you come to expect like the sun rising every morning, good storytelling.
Alas we have reached the conclusion of another blog, my fellow internetians. As always I'll leave you with not my love, but my satirically drenched lus- I mean loathing.
Until next I sing my love song.
"And if your going to have donkeys fuck on television be sure there is a musical sound track. Because if you have donkeys fuckin and it's quiet, that's perverted. Theres a fine line. Don't cross it!" - Inactive
Zenhurak - Anhidonic, Narcissistic and Pantsless.
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