Holy Prince of Persia Megaman! Where the fuck are my pants?

So here we are once again, pantsless and nostalgic. My lack of gaming last week was a little of a letdown, but on the upside, this post i have two games to express my obviously unbiased (seriously..promise..) thoughts on. So without further adue, prepare to fap furiously, lube optional.


Ghettodex: Now with revolutionary Jizzbuster 3000!

First up for mention on the block is something glorious which occured last night. As I have mentioned previously on here, back in the day, when I was a nubile, impressionable youngster my friends and I used to be on the LAN scene around here, homoerotica and jovial experiences en mass. Now as came with the territory back then, so did lurking on the forums of our favourite event, GhettoLAN. A friend of mine recently found a backup of the forums from 2006 and put them back online. So I did what any man would do, spent the entire night reading the old shit we used to post. Even I was shocked at how much shit we used to post, threads such as the "Hurt and Heal" game, the "Who will post next?" game, and how introduce yourself threads degraded easily into a "who will sodomise you at the next event" contest. Needless to say my nostalgia goggles are firmly on still to this moment. but enough of my useless crap.



Command and Conquer 4 Impressions


To recap before I begin, I went into Command and Conquer 3 with high expectations, and while the gameplay was good and the story lived up to the high quality I had begun to expect. However, like the fucking new fucking Indiana jones movie, one thing took it from epic to sack sucking assclown of dissapointment: Aliens. Fucking Aliens. So its only common sense that I walked into C&C 4 expecting only the conclusion of the series to excite me. Now apart from the fact that for a series they spent over a decade building to be concluded in four hours (thats both campaigns, mind you), the briefness was severely overshadowed by how utterly shithouse the story is. I won't give away spoilers, but suffice to say it can be summed up as: lol I'm kane, lol choose faction, lol filler missions (and not fucking many), lol final battle. now even if you can excuse that fact. The scrin seem to have mysteriously fucking dissapeared. No say or anything, just fucked off from earth, leaving their tower smack middle in the middle of nowhere, so you know it's not a retcon. but god damn.. EA you have sodomised my tight virgin manflower for the last time. Dissapointment aside, I rather do like the gameplay and the addition of a rank up system tied to your online profile (which is nothing new, but the unlockables are definately a nice change). While I know this game shall find its mark in it's multiplayer, I am saddened for the future of gaming to see such an epic saga climax in such a poor manner. EA shall suffer aside Judas for this one.



Dragon Age: Awakening
  
Okay, after sinking some serious time over the past few days in completing Origins again, to refresh myself I finally played through awakening and, aside from the fact that after importing my character who so nobly sacrificed himself to kill the archdemon, was greeted like Jesus on easter, my ressurection being such a simple parlour trick that it completely escaped notice, surely they can't be running with the forced idea that Alistair was the one to die for Ferelden could they? Oh wait! HE'S ALIVE TOO! obviously rocking the crown as king makes you impervious to noticing paradoxes. So I was opening up into a gigantic FUCK YOU from bioware, I could deal with it if people acted if I was some mysterious lookalike to the noble warrior, Ser Also Cocks if I wasn't being constantly praised and referred to as "the hero of Ferelden" so time paradox aside. What did I find within this juicy slice from biowares expansion to what was originally one of my favourite RPG's in a long while? A slice of Meh coated in sweaty ball punching and reeking of utter crap. Obviously what made the original so fun has been tied up in the boot with a second hand ball gag in this one, my largest complaint is the companions, It is good that you experience an area quest explaining their motivations and what have you and also why they have to become/join grey wardens and all. But after gaining followers in your party their willingness to talk takes a backseat until you get them to like you enough via gift whoring to get them to say "Oh by the way, At little to no mention of this previously lets go run my errands. You know, for funsies." the conversations taken in the meantime are through interacting with object behind them in the keep (which is one small pretty stupid conversation it can barely be called character interaction as opposed to decoration critique) but dare you to right click on them without them liking you enough and they repeat the same single fucking phrase dismissing you, much like my mother and her love (but what the hell, she can do that with a rack like hers) Now the storyline I did like, but how it was implemented was rather dissapointing, its like omg darkspawn that talk? visit area get companion, visit keep get upgrades/manage land, rinse repeat several times with VAGUE mention of the main conflict or exposition, and suddenly thrust you forward into  the final decisions of the expansion. while not bad, I feel they could have done so much more with the storyline, granted it was just an expansion, but for something (I shall endeavour to avoid spoilers here) that shook the foundations of the lore of Ferelden and the Grey Wardens so hard, I feel it was rather rushed and quite tiptoed around, like they didn't want to flesh out the vague idea they brainstormed. I wouldn't suggest it being worth the price tag. Maybe if they deducted the cost of my left testicle I might reconsider. Severe sad face and bioware letting us down on what is the one thing you come to expect like the sun rising every morning, good storytelling.


Alas we have reached the conclusion of another blog, my fellow internetians. As always I'll leave you with not my love, but my satirically drenched lus- I mean loathing.


Until next I sing my love song.


"And if your going to have donkeys fuck on television be sure there is a musical sound track. Because if you have donkeys fuckin and it's quiet, that's perverted. Theres a fine line. Don't cross it!" - Inactive

Zenhurak - Anhidonic, Narcissistic and Pantsless.

99 Red Baloons...and I still won't float!

Here it goes again Internet, a post of such epic proportions, woven with intricate tales of love, lies, intrigue and betrayal most foul! Or I could just rant about shit. Yep sounds the go.

Prepare thyself, for the very seat of your pants may explode forth with disasterous effect upon my next words!


I'm going to kill the president.


Lolz, In all seriousness fellow Internetians, I've not much to post about today. Spent most of the week on and off socialising with people, attending trivia and birthday parties, working. But the fact of the matter is, I have been so utterly lost and out of reality. Took me an hour to realise I was in my own bed today when I awoke. Now this may not be very healthy.

On the upside though, for those who know me (which I appologise if you do) you all know of the gigantic box of change kept on my desk, Today I decided to count it and to my surprise there was $57 dollars in thar. So forth did I venture into the untamed wilds in search of vodka and lunch, lunch eluded me however. Vodka did not.


But with my lunch money I did happen to pick up some more softdrink, So I am off the shots for at least tonight and god hoping tomorrow night. While the parentals are gone for the night, leaving me alone and vulnerable in this lonely cave of a house, I suddenly remember I was going to organise a gatheration with my people, but alas I forgot. So a hearty fuck them and a merry "I don't have to share my vodka!" to me.

Before I wrap up allow me to say that I am currently attempting (to little success) to play through Dragon Age: Origins before I tackle the expansion, So I should have my impressions next post.


Allow me to sum up in saying to those two people who emailed me regarding my last post. Yes I hate people, Yes it fucking well includes you. Thanks for asking though :) glad we could clear that up.

Until next time sports fans, I have shots to do!

"It's not until you are an adult and you realise that the term ""Fabulous powers"" are included in the He-Man opening theme. That it may not have been exactly as manly a show as you remembered.." - Zenhurak


Anhidonic, Narcissistic and Pantsless.

Im welding this door!

Greetings again all, I be writing drunk again. So am therefore less responsible than usual for what I say/do/sodomise.


First, recent events:

Easter Weekend In Review...Blarg!

Well the easter weekend was a pretty bad blur. Friday night went to a friends good friday party. Aside from catching up with people, which is always good I really do hate the whole pity "so are you happy?" and "so you still haven't got a girl?" crap, It could drive a man from sanity, if I weren't long gone already. so aside from that and the usual drama at parties, I hate people. (though I did get the lovely experience of a friend being so stubborn as to his state of inebriation that I ended up with vomit on my car..yey)

Saturday was a different experience however, had a friend visit from  (you know "that" place..yeh) and so had a few drinks and caught up with them (despite how weird it was, I think I enjoyed it..my encounters with this person are always awkard). Continued to stay up long after everyone else was in bed, drinking and gaming, and as a consequence was far too tired to join the family on sunday for zombie jesus luncheon.

So ensued the smart thing obviously, sleep..NOT! of course I stayed up and drank myself into a stupor all day, yes. I. did.

I think nothing else eventuated that night. but yes, off recent events so much and now on to thoughts etc.


Reading This Will Give You Nightmares..or just lols..

Well I think I may be drinking too much, got into a bit of a stupor another couple of nights this week, and I can scarcely remember what day it is, I keep zoning out, and even forget what has happened when i'm stone cold sober. Now personally I think this is fucking glorious, and I love it. You see, obviously being so well adjusted and stable - I am incredibly inward and a thinker, I spend a lot of time in my head and as such its so very good when the chaotic cacophony in my head goes utterly silent. I no longer have to keep searching for a distraction, and can enjoy things in the moment. Now normally this would be a good thing because I could let loose and have fun with friends etc. But the problem is, when I drink alone, I don't feel guilty about how i've acted when i sober up, I worry far too much about who I become when i'm with my friends, so thusly, they can blow me and suffer the sober me.

 I think im starting to sober up and am running out of things to say, Actually had a good night I think last night, after trivia a few of us came back to mine and played some magic (which I haven't done in a while, but could have done without the fucking relationship D&M slowing up the game) but after a couple of them left I had a good sit down with two of my mates, played some League of Legends and FFXIII over some food. It was a good return to old times and really appreciated the distraction (because i was low on vodka that night :P)


So yeah..i'm rather lost atm but enjoying the solitude both socially and mentally. I'll leave you all now on a slightly better note.

Shut up woman get on my horse!

"Rita? Only she can make my monster grow ;)" - Zenhurak

Anhidonic, Narcissistic and Pantsless.

Imagination: If you thought my porn collection was disturbing..

Zenbo be hungover. I loves it!

Hallelujah my fellow naked person surfing people of the internet! (which we know is all of the internet) 

I would appologise for the continual late posts, but that would require people to read this thing for me to care :P I digress, this should hopefully be a rather substantial update full of drama, intrigue and a severe lack of pants or shame.

Firstly the reason for my absence, I have spent the past 2-3 days doing tech support from sunrise to sunset, not one, not two, but three computers decided to die at the same time on wednesday, so I have spent all but the shortest breaks trying to restore, fix, and recover parts and data. Now let me tell you, when you have to import and check 7136 emails ONE BY ONE regardless of how drunk you were (and i was pretty fucking blitzed by this point) it makes you question the will of he who is binary.
But all is (hopefully) fixed now and the drinking and merriment of easter can begin (blast that damn rabbit).


For a change im going to get my game rant/review out of the way early because I have a lot to type and I have this on my mind currently.

Bioshock 2

 Now I have been putting off and putting off playing this release for some time now, while excited about returning to rapture, turned off somewhat by mixed reports and a rather "what has been seen cannot be unseen" comparison to bomberman, I have finally played and finished it.

I was far from impressed..

Now not to say it was shit, but it certainly fell far below the bar the first game set. while the absolutely beautiful soundtrack is still there (mind you, there aren't many games where the soundtrack is notable enough for me to comment on, much less positively) where the fuck did rapture go?
 I mean you had all these beautiful eye goggling scenery and backgrounds in the first, yet in this latest installment it seems you're confined to all of the corridors with no windows or all the glass which faces a high rock wall, or god forbid a pixelated shitty texture of raptures scenery ( I mean really, nothing spoiled the immersion like being in 3-4 different parts of rapture which require an underwater train to get to (( which btw you never get to see you ride on, it would have been the perfect setting for some glorious scenic shots)) and look out a window and see the same pixelated texture, FROM THE SAME ANGLE that you saw in the other side of the city.).

Now after that dissapointment, the big sister addition, fun and cool and all, but considering they are awfully predictable insofar as when they appear, and that as fast and spliced up as they are, all they do is throw incinerate, telekinesis and then run up to hit you, the combat with them leaves so much to be desired. I would really have enjoyed seeing some creative NPC use of the less popular or straight up offensive plasmids. The costumes look cool though (if their screams made my speakers cry).

I will say, I love the little sisters, and
**SPOILER** getting to play as one for a section is a big plus, especially seeing their perception of rapture, though hearing their voices from a first person perspective would have been nice, as opposed to the mysterious mute all characters the player ends behind in first person shooters nowdays. ** END SPOILER**
It is nice to see the adam organ you rip out of them should you take the dark path, as opposed to flash white light omg she's gone and I have adam..yey. Considering you play as a Big Daddy you are superbly fucking squishy unless you stack the armour gene tonics. The drill is a beautiful thing to play with, I mean so fucking lovely, I had so much fun with it, despite how simple it is, ITS A FUCKING DRILL AS BIG AS HALF A SPLICER! how can you not like?

The story is rather dissapointing, bringing you in with familiar characters and refferences, but quickly the story takes a big "fuck you" mallet to the original story and immediately brings in character after character or new people saying "relate to these people and care about their stories now!" I found it really hard to relate to any of the NPC's excepting Eleanor until the very end, considering that the entire time the one who's guiding you is being villified in every recorder you find. Not to mention the few NPC bosses you find and are given the choice to save or kill is nice, is immediately ruined by the whole thing of if you save them they say one thing to you, and are forgotten until the conclusion of the storyline. Which I will say, the ending did make me feel loveness, it's rather good to see a conclusion to a story not ruled over by some overpowered (or dissapointingly easy) boss battle but rather a gameplay event thats NOT CINEMATIC *cough* modern warfare 2 *cough* (for those who don't know, but i think the whole spam left click to throw knife and finish the game is a lame way to end an interactive video game. Epic, but not wholly challenging)

Summing up, im sure some die hard fans will love. But I was content at best, purely because I looked hard to find the small things I loved about rapture, and took solace in those. I wouldn't be surprised if you hate this money grabbing bastard with all the ire of a thousand suns. We can only hope people learn from this failed sequel to what I believe to be one of the best single player rpg/fps hybrids in a decade.

Zenhuraks Guide to Bioshock 2:  Drill + Drill tonics = Win.

Now on to more substantial shite, I was having a discussion with a friend of mine who for some reason reads this rant of crap and was given advice on what to post, so heres her suggested topics and my immediate thoughts on such, Thanks Pip!

How awesome the mental ability to imagine is: Once you've batted to a horse penis or three, it's hard to going back to imagining my grandmothers naked floppy breasts.

Internet abuse: Its fucking hilarious! I lol at people constantly for taking it too far (not to mention when they start up and I press the "Nerd Rage" button and win) :P

Write a detailed story of a magical princess who gets kidnapped, kicks down the door then falls down the 10000000000 steps that lead up to her tower: Sounds like you were masturbating to Zelda, fell asleep, and woke up playing Porrasturvat.

As always I'm gracious in taking on advice on any topic, as we all can see.

This has gone on longer than I intended so I'll simply finish with this last part, one of the three computers that died this week, to my everlasting regret, was the last LAN pc. I am of course referring to the time when my friends and I from about the ages of 14-19 went to LAN parties and had LANs of our own at my house almost bi-weekly. Now the LAN community in newcastle was great, I learned more about computing at those places than in any number of the fair few courses I have done. It inspired my love of the computer and was a wholly glorious experience, walking into a hall with 30/150/500 Lanners and revelling in the beauty of all that is nerd. Now I wasn't the most socially inept person in high school, but I was far from the most apt. I found many lifelong friends and peers through the newcastle LAN community whom I still keep in touch with today and have much respect for (I know, zen..respect...WTF?). It was of course much easier knowing that the grounds for common social interactiveness was already set down, and they were for the most part all nice helpful and really funny guys! By far the best times of my life were back then. Now speaking of the computer in question which makes me reminisce, is the last pc from that era out of my circle of friends. It has been upgradded and patched and everything to keep it alive, but alas, she is gone to the great binary beyond. What stings the most is the loss of the case I believe, aged as she is. It was a beautiful and sexy black sleek goddess which I won at one of the smaller LAN's around for an event undertaken there known as the "Ghettolympics" no it wasn't gold medal drive bys and whatnot. Think hard-drive shotput and mouse hammerthrow. So it is with fond thoughts and a massive erection my friend to I commit ye to the great big cleanaway bin in the sky.


Until next time sports fans. As always, I'm a fkn pleasure :)

"When I die and my life flashes before my eyes, all i'm going to see is me withering away the hours restoring peoples funny emails..This in the grand scheme of things, Mankind has truly reached is apex." - Zenhurak
Anhidonic, Narcissistic and Pantsless.